Infidelity triggers in art

Infidelity, cheating. Such a terrible thing to happen to someone. The paranoia before you discover it, little patterns of inconsistencies emerging out of the blue, giving birth to several doubts, the internal contradictions of logic within these doubts, the urge to check, to test! The fear of ruining things, leading to shoving these doubts under the rug of your unconscious mind's overcooked khichdi. And if somehow you are able to pin the person with your logic into a confession, what do you achieve anyway? A big loss.  The only thing worse than being cheated on or being deceived is the aftereffects of it. Starting with self-bashing, seeing yourself as stupid, naïve, blind, words don’t end. You don’t know what was real and what was or is an illusion. When did it start and did it ever end? It's chaotic and messy!

Before you move in the direction of healing, you are faced with this big and strong mental hurdle! The triggers! These sudden prompts that you are exposed to start a chain of reactions within your body and in a flash the whole body and the mind are transported to a completely different world, you can feel it but can't comprehend it, sometimes feeling threatened, sometimes confused, and sometimes blank. You can't escape from them; they are everywhere! The only way out is the way through it. You catch someone lying in front of you for a minor issue or when you are watching a movie or a piece of art, and if you see any instance of betrayal, it triggers old memories, doubts, and puzzles in your brain. Your brain tries to solve them to update its algorithm so that it does not feel betrayed again.

I don’t know if I was cheated on, but I have gone through such a painful experience that I tried to navigate my way out by seeking as much knowledge about the subject as possible at that time. The times were also affected by COVID-19, and the world was already grappling with fear, insecurity, and loss. I made an effort to equip myself with a wealth of knowledge on the topic through numerous conversations with trusted friends and a clinical psychologist, listening to lengthy discussions by J Krishnamurthy, and studying psychology lectures from the University of Toronto online, while also exploring the teachings of Gautam Buddha and the Bhagavad Gita. I felt that I had healed significantly, but one day while I was reading poems to up my songwriting skills I came across this poem.

Well, this poem felt like, I got a hit on my head - by a hammer - behind my back - by my mother.

Amidst this, a surprising thing happened. I vividly remember that all these problems were on one side, and I was more concerned about whether I would be able to enjoy art the way I used to before these triggers. My relationship with art is very personal, and I did not want to lose it at any cost. Thus being able to consume art without any biases became my guiding light to understand if I have actually healed from these triggers. If these triggers had not been present, I would have been more affected by the way the story unfolds, how it surprises the reader, the elegant use of phrases like "planted with our son," the bare use of the word 'breast', and the romantic, intimate, and loving imagery that has been developed to ultimately betray the husband and reader at the very end of the poem. Beautiful, matlab what a wicked way to mess with readers' minds, really beautiful craftsmanship. However, at that time, I was only concerned with my personal biases regarding cheating, deception, morality, and so on. I was hurt I don't want to undermine how I felt, but yeah I was not consuming the art the way I prefer to, fortunately at the same time, I was conscious enough to see it was coming out of my POV and my defenses were being challenged at that time. I told myself, "I need to figure out a way for this to not happen", and I did it, how? is another story. Proof being "Pehle Bhi Main" from the movie Animal!

'December 1st, 2023.' I went to Amanora Mall in Pune at 8:30 am to watch the movie "Animal." The wait for this was filled with excitement as I have a deep admiration for Ranbir Kapoor's performances. He has been hailed as one of the top actors of our time by icons such as Amitabh Bachchan and Irrfan Khan. Let's skip the movie, but let's dive straight into the scene (spoiler alert) where cheating happens while the beautiful song 'Pehle Bhi Main' plays in the background. The song itself is very soulful, divided into two parts in the theatrical version. The first part features lyrics from Ranbir's perspective, while the latter part is from Tripti's. A lot of things were happening in this 4-minute song, one of which was the imagery reminiscent of "Beauty and the Beast" captured in the video, seemed like a live still painting. I did not find it vulgar it was rather delicate.

The song is full of passionate yet tender moments, with Ranbir portraying an intense and trance-like state, including subtle details like him shivering before initiating the first kiss with her. The obedience and submission of the rebellious, uncontrollable protagonist, who refrains from smoking with just a glance from the lover, was quite captivating. Ranbir clutching her hand, in the language of physical intimacy translates to an invitation, which is rejected by her which seems quite contradictory given a moment later you can find her engrossed in a gaze on him, Ranbir questions through his eyes why did you not accept the invitation where as it is revealed a while later in the movie, the cause being her identity and the purpose with which she was sent and her own inner conflict which was reminiscent in the contradictory behavior we just pointed out. Later, the roles reversed, with him gazing at her and her trying to hide her face behind the book. I interpreted it as her feeling like she was being seen. The approach this ensuing poem follows:

Most of the times people tend to misunderstand the concept of physical intimacy and confuse it with nudity, vulgarity or merely any type of physical contact. It's not that, it's about exploring the degree of comfort one feels with another person, being physically vulnerable in the realm of physical contacts and plays, it has it's own language. And sex is merely the climax to that play in my opinion and understanding. This song captured few of such instances perfectly. I can write a never-ending appreciation essay on this song but let me come back to the point. 'The significance of this song in the context of this blog lies in its portrayal of cheating. Despite being aware of the situation, my personal biases did not hinder my ability to see it objectively.' I believe to bring best out of art or to give art a fair chance, as an audience, in fact as an critic is to surrender to the director's vision, seeking to understand their expression, and embarking on a journey with them. It's akin to comprehending the heartfelt communication of a young child. For the most part, art involves the writer being emotionally open, exposed, and vulnerable, much like a child endeavoring to passionately convey certain thoughts. In this context, you aim to comprehend their expression, akin to how you support your loved ones when they cry, or how a therapist listens to their clients with acceptance and without judgment and prejudices. ' The works like Made in Heaven season 2 and Gully Boy, Rockstar have also touched upon the themes of infidelity and deceit. Also, the world depicted in these works felt more grounded in real-life possibilities thus in my opinion logically these could cause more triggers than Animal. I'm glad, I was able to watch and appreciate them without letting my personal opinions interfere with my enjoyment of the art.' I guess I'm free from the infidelity trigger finally despite knowing how wrong, damaging, and unfair cheating can be. I hope people who are suffering from it are relieved of it too. :), I mean, if they want to.